Daniel Im

Pastor + Author

life

Forgiveness, Unforgiveness, and Holding Grudges

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(This is a talk that I gave to our staff at Beulah Alliance Church, elaborating on our Healthy leadership virtue)

You’ve probably heard the statement, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die,” right?

For most of us, unforgiveness is perceived as a black-and-white issue. You’ve either forgiven someone or you haven’t. You’ve either said, “I forgive you,” or perhaps, in not so many words, “Screw you.”

But unforgiveness is much more nuanced than saying a few words.

Consider how The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines unforgiving,

  • “Unwilling or unable to forgive.”
  • “Having or making no allowance for error or weakness.”

And here’s how The Oxford Dictionary defines unforgiving,

  • (of a person) “Unwilling to forgive other people when they have done something wrong.”
  • (of a place, situation, etc.) “Unpleasant and causing difficulties for people.”

Those definitions are insightful because I think all of us have—at some point in our lives—said words that we really didn’t mean. Like when someone asks you, “How are you doing?” How many of you have ever said, “Fine or okay,” but you really weren’t doing fine or okay? 

I know I have.

And it wasn’t because I wanted to lie…it’s just because I really didn’t want to get into it at that point…or with that person.

Or, regarding the Florida Panthers beating the Edmonton Oilers, I wonder how many Oilers fans said the nice Canadian thing to speak to someone else, “There’s always next year!” Or, “It’s just hockey.” 

When in fact, deep down inside, you were thinking, “I HATE THE PANTHERS. Why in the world does a place like Florida have, not just one hockey team, but two?! I wish Bobrovsky would just get sick or retire!”

So in the same way, after being hurt or mistreated by someone, how many of you have ever said or thought to yourself that you had forgiven them, when in reality—if really pressed, and if you looked really deep down inside—you were actually holding a grudge against them?

“Yes, I forgive you…but I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR UGLY FACE AGAIN.”

“Yes, I forgive you…But YOU WILL NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE.”

“Yes, I forgive you…But I WILL NEVER PRAY FOR YOU AGAIN.”

Anyone?

I know I have.

But forgiving someone else isn’t just saying the words; it’s actually when your feelings toward them shift from anger to an emotion that feels more neutral. From criticism and contempt to graciously giving them the benefit of the doubt when they make a mistake. 

And as disciples of Jesus, forgiving someone else actually goes one more step. It goes from cursing to blessing.

This is why Jesus said, “But I say to you who listen: Love your enemies, do what is good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If anyone hits you on the cheek, offer the other also. And if anyone takes away your coat, don’t hold back your shirt either.” (Luke 6:27-29 CSB)

As disciples of Jesus, we aren’t called to forgive only once, nor seven times, but seventy-seven times or seventy times seven times (Matthew 18:22).

Now the reason isn’t just so that we can be known as friendly people…or because of the importance of unity for our witness, or because unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

No, Jesus actually gives us a deeper reason for forgiveness after he finishes teaching his disciples the Lord’s prayer, where he instructs us to pray, “forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors”:

  • “For if you forgive others their offenses, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don’t forgive others, your Father will not forgive your offenses. (Matthew 6:14-15 CSB)

🫳🏼🎤 (that’s a mic drop emoji if you didn’t pick up on it) 😂😁

So back to being HEALTHY.

At Beulah Alliance Church, here’s how our Healthy leadership virtue is expressed: “We pray for and with one another, give each other the benefit of the doubt, and refuse to hold grudges because as spiritually, emotionally, and relationally healthy Christ followers, we are together on mission.”

Team, we can’t expect to be on mission with one another if we are still holding grudges against people we have supposedly “forgiven” with our words.

We can’t expect to be on mission together if we aren’t willing to give one another the benefit of the doubt.

And we can’t expect to be on mission together if we aren’t willing to pray for one another (Because if you’ve ever prayed for someone who hurt you, you know how hard that is).

So, today, do you have unforgiveness lurking in your heart?

  • Are there grudges that you’re holding onto that you need to release to God?
  • Is there someone that you need to start blessing instead of cursing?
  • Someone that you can pray for right now, instead of ignoring?

Let’s start our small group time together in silent prayer around those three areas. Then I’ll let you know when we can begin discussing these questions together.

Discussion Questions:

  1. Can you share a story when you’ve been on the other side? How did it feel when someone said they had forgiven you, but you still felt a cold shoulder from them? When they said that they had forgiven you, but you felt like they were still holding a grudge against you? How did you know? And then, what did you do (if anything)?
  2. As disciples of Jesus, what do you think we are called to do if we notice unforgiveness between two other people?
  3. What are some practical ways to release grudges against others?

“Judge not” is not about being blind

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We live in such an interesting point in time, don’t we?

On the one hand, we’re encouraged to rate and review everything—our favourite restaurants, businesses, workouts, books, podcasts, shows, and even professors and doctors! In fact, not only are we encouraged, but we’re even incentivized to do so! But at the same time, we’re also drowning in criticism, contempt, and a wildfire of seemingly knee-jerk reactions and poorly thought-out opinions to tweets, rumours, and news articles—both real and fake.

Hmm…I wonder if there’s a connection?

When Jesus said, “Do not judge, so that you won’t be judged,” was this what he was referring to? Was he warning us about the perils of five-star ratings, and industries built upon crowd sourcing reviews? Or was he perhaps talking about all of the subtle—and also overt—ways that we pass judgement onto others? Like, “I can’t believe they parked like that! How inconsiderate.” Or, “What a show off. What is he trying to prove posting that on the internet?”

It’s the latter!

When Jesus said “Do not judge, so that you won’t be judged,” he’s referring to all of the ways that we judge others through our thoughts, our ensuing facial reactions, or the words that come out of our mouths. He’s talking about the tendency that we have to often criticize, condemn, find fault with, or think that we’re higher or better than others—especially when we’re “hangry” or tired.

Let’s take a look at the whole passage,

Do not judge, so that you won’t be judged. For you will be judged by the same standard with which you judge others, and you will be measured by the same measure you use. Why do you look at the splinter in your brother’s eye but don’t notice the beam of wood in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the splinter out of your eye,’ and look, there’s a beam of wood in your own eye? Hypocrite! First take the beam of wood out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to take the splinter out of your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:1-5 CSB)

Now after reading this, it’s completely reasonable to think to yourself, “Alright so…to help me not judge, I’m just going to keep my head down and turn a blind eye to everything!”

Note that I said “reasonable to think to yourself,” and not “reasonable to do.” Going to an extreme like this is not the way to live out Jesus’ command to “Judge not.”

I love how the theologian and pastor, John Stott, explains this passage,

To sum up, the command to judge not is not a requirement to be blind, but rather a plea to be generous. Jesus does not tell us to cease to be men (by suspending our critical powers which help to distinguish us from animals) but to renounce the presumptuous ambition to be God (by setting ourselves up as judges).

Oh how we often fall into this trap!

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve caught myself—mid-sentence—yelling at my kids to stop yelling at each other. When we judge others like this, we’re hypocrites. We’re near-sighted hypocrites who don’t realize that we’re pointing out the splinter in another’s eye, while we ourselves have a beam of wood in ours!

So the next time you find yourself tempted to pass judgement on another person…

…what do you think would happen if you paused and first asked yourself, “When have I been guilty of this myself?” And then went to the cross and spent time in prayer for yourself and for the other person, instead of judgement?

Friends, let’s judge not!

Underneath the Surface of Disney’s Hit Song, “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”

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Over the past month, have you caught yourself singing a song about Bruno?

Or, I guess to put it more accurately, not talking about Bruno? Because of the enormous popularity of “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” from Disney’s 2021 film, Encanto, this song has stayed on the Top 10 Billboard chart for weeks in several countries.

Now the purpose for this article isn’t to talk about the “magic” in this movie (and to go down that rabbit hole). Rather, it’s to address the ways that the songs and themes in this movie are actually perpetuating lies about our identity—and feeding us (and our children) lies about ourselves.

When I wrote You Are What You Do: And Six Other Lies About Work, Life, and Love, I was attempting to shine a spotlight on seven different lies about our identity—and how to discover the truth on the other side. Now the thing about these lies is that they don’t actually seem harmful on the surface—they just seem more of a matter of fact than anything. But when you dig underneath the surface, and begin unpacking how these lies are shaping your relationships, your understanding of self, and your emotional, physical, and spiritual health…you start realizing that these lies aren’t as harmless as they appear to be.

Now just to be clear, “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” is musical genius. My family and I couldn’t stop listening to the song because it’s so catchy, fun, and mesmerizing musically. But the more I listened to the song, the more I realized that it was the music and not the lyrics that I fell in love with.

Why shouldn’t the family talk about Bruno? Why is it okay to expel someone from the family? Why don’t people know the actual reason he was ex-communicated? And how in the world can someone survive in the walls of a house?! (Sorry for the spoiler).

I recognize that yes, this is just a movie, but could songs like this be unintentionally feeding our children lies about their identity like “you are what you do” and “you are your past”?

In the movie, we see that Abuela, the matriarch of the family, had cultivated a culture where lies like those ones were the core source of everyone’s identity. Because of her past—both the death of her husband and the way her house came to be—her whole family was living proof that “you are your past.” And when you consider the way that everything revolved around an individual’s gift, what other message than “you are what you do” was being communicated to the one with the gift and everyone around them? No wonder Mirabel’s sister, Luisa, was crumbling under the surface from the pressure placed on her.

Oh and let’s not forget the lie that made the hit song, “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” possible! Because Abuela believed the lie that “you are who you raise,” there was no way she could allow Bruno to reflect back on her in anyway…hence the reason no one talks about Bruno!

So What?

Friends, this is why I wrote You Are What You Do: And Six Other Lies About Work, Life, and Love. I wrote it to help us recognize the lies that our culture is subtly feeding us about ourselves. The book—and this article—are not indictments to boycott this movie or our culture. Rather, they are pleas to become more discerning about what messages we’re subtly listening to and letting shape who we are and how we live, work, and love.

If you haven’t yet picked up a copy of the book, I’d be honored if you would do so either by going to Amazon or checking out my book page to learn more about it.

A Pattern for Prayer

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If you were to describe your prayer life with three words, which of the following three words would you use?

Here are a few that you can choose from:

Brief, dusty, faithless, abiding, fresh, faith-filled, duty, boring, lacking, privilege, courageous, fulfilling, me-centered, depressing, fickle, others-centered, joyful, persevering

It’s interesting how differently we all view prayer, isn’t it?

In the church I grew up in, prayer was dependence, it was surrender, it was pleading, it was passionate, and it was a duty. Daily, there were early morning prayer gatherings at the church. Weekly, the congregation would come early before the service started to pray and prepare their hearts. And annually at youth retreats, the prayer time went for hours.

In fact, when Christina and I first moved to Seoul, Korea to pastor there, we were staying in a guest room at the church, until we found an apartment. The next morning, I remember being awoken to, what sounded like, thousands of people talking…which I later discovered was actually the case because thousands of people were talking to God at the early morning prayer service!

The congregation we served in Korea understood that spending time with God was the essence of prayer, as David Benner describes:

Spending time with God ought to be the essence of prayer. However, as it is usually practiced, prayer is more like a series of e-mail or instant messages than hanging out together…It should not be a surprise that the result is a superficial relationship.

Spending time with God ought to be the essence of prayer. – David Benner
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They understood the importance of spending time with God together with others. They didn’t see prayer as a duty which must be performed. They saw prayer as a privilege to be enjoyed.

And as E.M. Bounds so aptly put it, “a rare delight that is always revealing some new beauty.”

Prayer is a rare delight that is always revealing some new beauty – E.M. Bounds.
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How about you? How do you currently view prayer? And how do you want to?

In Philippians 1:3-8, Paul presents a pattern for prayer: to pray with thanksgiving, joy, and perseverance.

I give thanks to my God for every remembrance of you, always praying with joy for all of you in my every prayer, because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. I am sure of this, that he who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Indeed, it is right for me to think this way about all of you, because I have you in my heart, and you are all partners with me in grace, both in my imprisonment and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel. For God is my witness, how deeply I miss all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:3-8 CSB)

This pattern for prayer isn’t a rigid structure for prayer, nor is it comprehensive. Rather, it’s more of a pattern that describes Paul’s prayer life—and I believe that this pattern is one that we should reflect on, and measure our prayer life against.

1. Pray with thanksgiving

Instead of grumbling, Paul chose to give thanks. He didn’t allow his circumstances to lead his response. Instead, he saw his circumstances through the lens of who he knew God to be, as revealed through the Scriptures.

He knew that God was in control, even if his circumstances felt out of control. He knew that God was faithful, even if things felt uncertain. He knew that God was always present, even if he felt abandoned. And he knew that God saw him and was always with him. In other words, instead of looking around, Paul looked up and he gave thanks.

2. Pray with joy

The interesting thing about joy is that you can’t choose it. You can make yourself laugh, and you might even be able to make yourself feel happy, but you can’t choose joy. This is because joy is a fruit of the Spirit and evidence that you have a personal relationship with God and are filled with the Holy Spirit (Gal 5:22; Rom 14:17).

In other words, joy isn’t circumstantial. Joy is a result of the gospel. You don’t experience more joy when everything feels certain. Joy is not a result of a better job, a better relationship, better health, or a better address. Joy is a result of having and cultivating a personal relationship with Jesus.

Joy isn’t circumstantial. Joy is a result of the gospel.
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This is why you can grieve and still rejoice, why you can have joy in the midst of sorrow, and why you can have nothing, yet possess everything.

3. Pray with perseverance

Perseverance is something that was cultivated in Paul’s heart and prayer life because he did life together with the Philippians. As Paul regularly practiced gathering, growing, giving, and going together with the Philippians, he grew in perseverance with them. And as their bond strengthened with one another, they went from being acquaintances to co-workers.

We see evidence of this because the Philippians never turned their backs on him. While he was in prison, they supported him in prayer and with financial support. They weren’t ashamed of him—even though imprisonment would’ve brought great shame in that time. Instead, they supported him as he shared the gospel with his captors, fellow prisoners, and judges over him.

So in conclusion, what needs to happen for your prayer life to be marked with thanksgiving, joy, and perseverance?

My dear friends, let us “Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in everything; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thess 5:16-18 CSB).

*My article here was originally published on September 8, 2021 on Impactus.

How to Actually Make Friends (these days…)

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These days, isn’t it so easy to make friends?

All you have to do is click “confirm” or “add” and you’re done! You now have another friend. Long gone are those awkward “getting to know you” conversations. All you have to do is scroll through their feed, like their photos, post a couple comments, and in no time you’ll be getting hundreds of friends saying happy birthday to you annually.

As blatantly sarcastic as I’m being, if you were to be brutally honest with yourself, I’m sure there’s been a moment when you’ve called a Facebook friend an actual friend—even though you’ve never actually seen them face to face. Or you at least know someone who has done this.

Is this what friendship has come to? Why does it seem so hard to make genuine friends? And keep them?

I know we often use busyness as an excuse for not making or cultivating friendships—I’ll be the first one to admit to that—but have you ever considered the consequences of delaying the formation of genuine friendships?

Have you ever considered the consequences of delaying the formation of genuine friendships?
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To answer that question, let’s take a look at James 5:13-14. While this passage is often quoted when someone is sick and is needing the healing touch of Jesus, I also believe it has a deep measure of insight to the topic at hand.

Is anyone among you suffering? He should pray. Is anyone cheerful? He should sing praises. Is anyone among you sick? He should call for the elders of the church, and they are to pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. (James 5:13-14 CSB)

What do you think James is getting at when he’s asking, “Is anyone among you…?” Do you think he’s just asking whether or not you are aware of what’s going on around you? Whether you are connected enough to others to know and notice if anyone among you is suffering?

While I recognize that there are some people—like my wife Christina—who can intuitively sense and feel the emotions of others, I’ve lived long enough to know that this doesn’t come naturally to everyone. I actually need to know that something is going on in someone’s life to be able to do something for them and be a friend for them.

To know this requires several things:

  • It requires me to lift my head up, get out of my own little world, and take my headphones off.
  • It requires me to begin eating with others, asking questions, and listening—both to them and to the promptings of the Holy Spirit to know what to say and what not to say.
  • It requires me to go earlier and stick around longer, so that I can have conversations with others beyond whatever meeting I’ve come to.
  • It requires me to budget a little bit more to eating out, so that I can go out to lunch with others after church, or go out to coffee with my neighbours and coworkers.
  • It requires the use of a slow cooker when I have others over, so that I can have more time to listen, talk, and engage with others when they come over.
  • And it also requires me being okay with my home—and not obsessing over how it looks, what type of floor I have, or even how clean it is.

In other words, to know whether something is going on in someone else’s life, I need to first be present and be a friend—something that just doesn’t happen overnight!!

So let me ask you a few questions:

  1. Is anyone among you suffering? Instead of just telling them to go and pray, what if you were to go and pray with them?
  2. Is anyone among you cheerful? Instead of just being happy for them, what would happen if you celebrated with them?
  3. And is anyone among you sick? Instead of just saying that you’ll pray for them, what would happen if you were to drop off a meal for them? Visit with them over FaceTime or Zoom? And also help mobilize the elders of your church and prayer team to pray for them?

In today’s world where it’s so easy to “use” people and treat them as a means to an end, let’s resolve to be the kind of people who can easily answer the question, “Is anyone among you…?”

*My article here was originally published on January 5, 2021 on Impactus.